NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
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Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again