Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
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Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.