Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
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Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Delightful if true: booby trap.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie