*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Sponch
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
i hope my email finds you on fire
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone