I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
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Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
🤣🤣🤣
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I love the honesty
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”