I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
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Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!