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Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.