Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
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To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
This guy’s not having it 😆
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.