Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
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[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.