robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
You Might Also Like
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart