I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
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Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)