him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
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Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Still laughing at this stupid meme
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
🤣🤣🤣
How can I say no to this ?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day