This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
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No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv