I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
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Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Just a reminder, folks:
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
#parenting
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
When someone says you are so lazy
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Botany good plants lately?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”