Thanks to a fan for this one.
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Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
technically true but not a great slogan
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
We’ve all been there…
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Somebody’s lying.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs