I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
You Might Also Like
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t