Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
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her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*