Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
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I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”