The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
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ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
my astrological sign is a french fry
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?