I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos