Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.