Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Worst perfume name ever.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.