Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
You Might Also Like
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
This is hilarious….
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit