If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
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[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
that colleague who touches your screen
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
how long have you had this for?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.