Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
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He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.