*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
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I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”