Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
next level snooze
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
the clam before the storm
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”