GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
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Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown