CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
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Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
HR said no more nunchucks.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!