“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
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Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.