Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
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If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My whole life was a lie.