Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
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“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
back to work
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me