3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
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#Caturday
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.