I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
You Might Also Like
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.