Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
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We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
dutch is not a serious language
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy