My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
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Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.