My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too