The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
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ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.