me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
You Might Also Like
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”