Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
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Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.