a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
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Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?