[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
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[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
This 4th of July, please remember…
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here