“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
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God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
the three branches of government
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF