Cannot stop laughing at this
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Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Ummm
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.