Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
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If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”