I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
You Might Also Like
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole