Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
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babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”