“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
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*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??