Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
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They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
emergency phone
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.