Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
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Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
gentlemen, hear me out
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.